"i got razorblade lips i'm gonna kiss some wrists."-
ashtons_vampire

I like this whole quote-thing pre-journal.

I actually looked through the yearbook today from last year, when we were freshman. I got it from Erving after this whole mess of whether I did or didn't pay, shoved it on my shelf and tada. I think I hate all those seniors who wrote nothing; no quote, no little tidbits, wtf. Ryan doesn't even have a picture, he has nothing. He's going to disappear from his highschool existence as though it never even happened.

Was it that bad? Would you want to lay it on the line and have no one remember you?

I think I know what I want my quote to be, and it's not the one up there: "If you delete the adjectives, only facts remain."

although I'm sure if I give it a year I'll find some way to contradict it.

I'm really sick of being compared to people for what I do or do not do. That's stupid. If he says one thing don't compare what I say to it, man, that's just fucking stupid; we're differently people and even with similar ambitions we're never going to mean the same thing. I don't enjoy fighting with you.

People who can't accept that other people's opinions don't matter make me sick. So what if I don't like it. So what if I don't like any of it. I spoke out once and you lost it so fuck it, I told you, I'm done talking. And don't beg me at four in the morning, okay, because I'm sick of it and I'm done with it. The next time someone asks me for an opinion, asks me what's on my mind or what's going on, I'm going to shut down.

"It looks nice. I'm fine. It's cool. I'm over it. Forget it."

I hate our freakish human nature of losing our fucking minds when someone does something out of the oridinary to do you a favor. Ridiculous.

I love how we can tell people we love them and still completely fucking pretend like they mean nothing, that they are nothing and will never be nothing and aren't worth a five second reply, good or bad, out of the three hours a day we spend on deviantART.com dicking around and avoiding that last comment, that last infinite fucking comment to make things better again.

So, just fuck it, alright? I'm back to agreeing with every goddamn thing you say so as to avoid confrontation. I'm back to not commenting on anything so you don't think I'm an ungrateful bitch. I'm sorry I stepped out of line and said something for myself for once and I'll never do it again.




i got razorblade lips i'm gonna kiss some wrists.

"it is seriously depressing how much time i missed with you people. i was looking at all those pictures of like 1, 2 years ago that you have on your facebook and thinking "this sucks that i missed so much". we should get all those people together (plus me) and have a party. cuz...i said so. XD. krysten, me, you, micky, adria, kyle, phil, adria, matt, billy, nick, hannah, rose...and...whoever im forgetting. eventually we are gonna have a party-like thing involving all of them. im thinking micky's house, just cuz i love her basement XD"

"Adria and Kyle would never come to Micky's house.
And especially not if Nick is there.
And Nick wouldn't even consider going if Adria was there.
and Billy would feel just a little out of place.
The reason things aren't still going on like this is because of me, Max, and I'm sorry.
Apparently I'm very good at ruining very good things. "

Yesterday was okay, I took the bus and it was cold. I was still late for homeroom, and I didn't have my english homework done but that was okay because Morris didn't check it anyway, then Study and Double Art and we got the VHS posters done and one's already missing, and I kind of have my thesis for Regan and Vanessa and I went to AC Moore and got most of our project done and sang Nickelback. She had to leave so I had to leave and I went home and ate and grabbed money and then Nick and Phil picked me up and we went to see Charlotte's Web.

This guy TJ was flirting with Nick wicked a lot and I found it too amusing to defend his masculinity and be all over him, so Phil and I giggled to the side. I cried at the movie, obviously. It was sad, but ended happily. And I'm just sitting there crying between my boys and then we left. They were hungry so we went to Chilis and both Chris Davis and Mike Gio were there. Gio works there. I avoided eye contact, but apparently Nick knows both of them pretty well so they chatted. The boys ate and I got a soda so they wouldn't reprimand me and we actually talked and laughed and Phil accidently threw something at the people behind us and they didn't notice.

We walked up and down the plaza because it was just about ten and my curfew was eleven, but Phil had to get home. We went to Linens and Things and goofed off and played with the massagers, and some lady gave Phil a coupon for the book he got Nigel for Christmas. We walked back and got in the car and drove to Cumby's, where I proceeded to pay for whatever we got because I insisted. I hate being the girl. Sometimes.

They drove me home and I hopped online and I don't know what happened or what I did but I went in my room at eleven and put in a mix and hopped in the shower and just lost it.

I revelled in every bad decision I had ever made and added a new one to the list. I'll deal with the consequences later, that's what I always tell myself, and I always, always get them in one way or another. Imperfections in my skin rule my life and it's just stupid. It's my body. I'll abuse it as I like.

But I understand how people don't want to see them and so I have gloves. Yaye gloves.

No matter how many times it gets me in trouble, it's just who I've become. You don't shut off who you are for the courtesy of the general public, or I don't at least. I just keep regressing back. I have been better, but at the same time there's just that one thing in the back of my mind that I know I'm ruining and as a consolation I'm ruining myself.

To... make myself less appealing? I don't know why I do it. Maybe it's these frigging Dave Melillo songs or something. Or maybe I just like it. It sucks and it hurts and I totally love it.

Today I'm going to Phil's around 11 and going to Vanessa's 3-4:30 to finish the project. Then to Pete's to do some Gingerbread house mabober with some people I've been missing lately. and I don't really want to go there, or to the party tonight, because I haven't been around physically or mentally and they've formed around me. And they'll deny it or they won't, it's unpredictable. But I've lost my intimacy with everyone, really. The sense of closeness is just gone. Physical position has never had anything to do with it.

I feel nothing when he kisses me. It's not the same.
I'm so unfair to him. Everyone is so unfair to him.

No one knows him and he doesn't let anyone know him and people take that and grind it up and when I tell them stories they call me a liar. I don't know why I'm the only who's allowed to see. I don't know why I'm the one they're looking at. I don't know why I do it.

I wish other people knew him.
Maybe then he'd get that he could do so much better.

They set up the tree without me.

Happy 2006.

Did they get rid of title limits or something?

I'm a little out of it. Comfortable, but out of it. They call them 'mood swings' I believe.

i've tried writing a journal like twenty times today but it's just pointless and tiresome.

Maybe another movie will do it.

Heidi Kloone's face aggrivates me. I got a comment today on a piece I submitted back in '04, which isn't all that odd to me really; I was really involved in the community back then and I get stragglers now and again who get bored and go through records and read a piece here or there, favorite some fanart or that Kyo-Furuba photo, whatev. And the comment was about how she's so glad the people in her life had gotten her to where she was now and a little 'poem' was attached about how suicide is wrong and never the answer.

I think my reply to that comment was the first time I've ever disagreed/been surly with a commenter stopping by for the first time. I can't say I laid into her exactly, but I did tell her she was obnoxious and naive.

Yesterday was not fun, yesterday didn't have to happen, I have never been so embarrassed and frightened in my life.

Jackson started talking to me about how four years ago, when I was twelve, I was a completely different person, and that in four more years when I'm 20 I'll be different still, and I nodded in agreement because I didn't know what else to do.

When I finally got home I was on the phone until 9:30. The last call was from an old friend, probably someone who knew me better than anyone at the time and in a way still does because he's one of the few that has seen the absolute worst in me. And... the way he said, "What did you do?" was exactly the same as it was four years ago. Same disdain and worry, same frustration and annoyed scoff ending the phrase. I knew then that I am exactly the same person. And I'm still a mess. "You're not okay. You're a mess."

And that goddamn nurse has seen more of me than any of my ex's. And I could freely change in front of one of them.

I don't really want to go to school today and face everybody seeing as somehow everyone knows about it, but all the same I can't just hide from it. Not coming in today would start rumors about how I was like, suspended or thrown in jail or sent away or something.

So I did my hair and make-up and my back pack's packed, woohoo.