It's happening all the time
When I open my eyes
I'm still taken by suprise
I hold sunlight and swallow fireflies
And it makes me want to cry

_{i love you}

I shall never grow up
Make-believe is much too fun
Can we go far away to the humming meadow?

We were walking there
_{I was just wishing you were here}
I had tangles in my hair
_{So we could walk down with to me}
But you make me feel so pretty
_{And we could throw all our leaves}
You have shinning eyes
_{Seeing our dragon when we look}
Yes, like those forest lights
And it makes me want to cry

_{i love you}

I shall never grow up
Make-believe is much too fun
Can we go far away to the humming meadow?

I shall never grow up
Make-believe is much to fun
This place is so lovely
It kind of makes me very happy
Lets go far away to the humming meadow?

For all you crazy people out there who for whatever reason cannot read my mind and what I've learned in the past three years of my life, here we go, a little seminar.

I find myself incapable lately of understanding the reemings of other people and it pisses me off. I like listening to people, I like hearing about how they think and how they process things because unlike most people 'trying to find themselves' or 'define themselves' I know who I am. I know what people are, and I know people can never be grouped. I know there is not a single person who can ever compare to another and I know the amounts of variables there are in humans and in human nature.

It seems that no one else does.

Maybe it's cocky to say that I understand something so overwhelming. Mostly I understand that it's overwhleming. I wish people understood about people and that they can't understand them.

You can listen to my music and you can read all my ramblings and you can talk to everyone who has ever spoken to me and you will never know everything about me, nor I you. I will never know enough about all of you to quit on all of you as a whole, like some of you. Like all of you.

I know there is no fairness; people will always be just how they are and nothing can be done about it. How people will treat you and what they think about it isn't something that can be planned or predicted. When someone says they'd never hurt you you cannot believe it; it's not necessary to quit on them altogether and go into some depression about how you can't trust anything anybody says (even though you can't, it doesn't matter who) but the best way to exist with another person is just to exist with them, no expectations, no hidden agendas.

People need to learn to talk to each other. We need to set ourselves aside and sit there and take it. I make Casali tell me what's wrong and I get upset with him if he doesn't; I don't force him to say anything but I make it known that I'm unconditional. He tells me he's not used to that and I tell him I know.

I know because I've never met anyone unconditional; Eddie and I talked about it once, about how we'd like to clone ourselves because we've always wondered what it would be like to be our friend. Because I'm unconditional; I care that little about myself and that much about the rest of the people I know; I've never known anyone like me and it sucks to say I wish I did. I don't like who I am because I think I could do better, but lately I've been thinking maybe I can't. And maybe that's okay.

Mama (Mrs. Casali) was leaving as Nick and I arrived at his place yesterday; she had to take his grandmother who lives in the side apartment grocery shopping. His dad was at the dentist. She trusted us alone in the house because she trusts my judgment and that's a first from her. It was overwhelming. And when we got inside the guilt absolutely consumed me; I don't ever remember being more uncomfortable with myself. My stomach was in absolute apocolypse and I was unresponsive. Then Phil called and came over and we had a blast and Mama came home and I was fine the rest of the night. We are impressionable; we do what is expected of us. When we act out it's expected by someone that we disobey; when we're given limits and we respect them it's expected that the guilt was going to have a nice effect.

I'm losing my train of thought. I don't want novel responses. It frustrates me that life is this huge journey to learn what I have been in the process of figuring out since seventh grade.

It frustrates me that no one listens. And that I'm right.

She calls me from the cold
Just when I was low, feeling short of stable
And all that she intends
And all she keeps inside, isn't on the label
She says she's ashamed
And can she take me for awhile
And can I be a friend, we'll forget the past
But maybe I'm not able
And I break at the bend
We're here and now, but will we ever be again?
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade...
Away... again...
She dreams a champagne dream
Strawberry surprise, pink linen and white paper
Lavender and cream
Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her
She says that love is for fools who fall behind
And I'm somewhere in between
I never really know
A killer from a savior
'Til I break at the bend
It's too far away for me to hold
It's too far away...
_{Guess I'll let it go}

- Brett Scallions, FUEL.

August 26th, 2006:

"So let's talk about age, sex, and location.
All of the above or so irrelevant it drives me crazy.
Well, except location.

Your location is absolutely everything in life. Location in position of importance in your job, education, home, etc. Location in closeness to another person, yourself, where you want or need to be.

And location is just so frustrating because any way you look at it, it's distance. And distance is destructive. Any way you look at it.

I'm afraid of a lot of things; hospitals, sacred things, scary movies, people, basically anything and everything nameable. But it wasn't until about a week ago that I realized exactly how petrified I am of distance.

We built a tree house yesterday. I enjoyed working on it, but there were a couple moments that made my eyes water, like when they called me up to prop the first wall into place and they were so excited with the hour of progress since I'd arrived and I liked working with my hands and being Rick's apprentice but all the same their excitement wasn't mine. And I felt that distance and it was just another layer of that heavy sadness weighing down on whatever the hell it is that makes us all so aware of it's presence and so relieved of it's absence.

Then Scott commented, like everyone else has been doing as of late, that I "sure have a lot of love's." And it was just sad because up until then it had only been an issue with my close friends and I, but now my close friends' parents were getting sucked into such a ridiculous equation, and the heaviness just layered and layered.

I think if one more person is aware of that to the point of mentioning, I just may explode. Or implode, all the same."



"_{Don't turn away, I pray you've heard he words I've spoken. Dare to believe, oh for one last time, and then I'll let the Darkness Cover Me - deny everything; slowly walk away to breathe again on my own. Carry me away - I need your strength to get me through this. Dare to believe, oh, for one last time and then I'll let the Darkness Cover Me, deny everything - slowly walk away to breathe agan on my own.}"

Canon Powershot A630.
Omigod.

Anyone who doesn't believe in Santa Claus is near-sighted.

I believe in Santa Claus. I believe he is the guilt that makes parents purchase dozens of gifts for their otherwise ungrateful children. I believe he's the weather white or green. I believe he's the month of December and every flourescent light that's ever been lit.

I've never believed in a Christmas Spirit; I believe this time of year is only 'happy' and stressful because of the commercialism, and Santa of course, who reminds everyone once a year that is they don't give they'll be seen by all society as a heartless politician. "Thank you, Santa, for emptying my wallet and putting me in debt. <3"

I'm glad my parents aren't heartless politicians. <333

I do not deserve the holy mightiness of this camera.
I will never live up to the quality and mightiness of this camera.

You better believe that if I ever stop taking practice shots and break out the manual to hunt down how to change the shooting resolution that I will be unstoppable and the world will bow. the fuck. down.

I got some DVDs, too - Devil Wears Prada, baby! Haven't watched yet, but I'm getting there. And literally 195$ to the Natick Mall, so we're doing that today.